October 17, 2008

"Emotions" - Lately, I've been trying to convince myself to take control of them. Sure it's a tough thing. This friend of mine came to me last night. She began to complain bout how much hardship she had from an uncertain yet endless wait for a guy she like. Identical case where the guy is few thousand miles away from her. She said she can't handle a guy who doesn't even looked like he care bout her. She gave up. At this very moment, I saw it. I saw a shadow of my ex in her. I saw what led her to despair and brought her right here. The entire scenario was reconstructed right before my eyes. I witness her pain up close from watching this friend of mine. I came to think that I've got no rights to complain bout my hardship. However, something flashed through my thought. I asked myself, am I going through exactly the same of which she had gone through? I guess not precisely. These few days, I caught up with her couple of times on MSN. Well everything seemed to be positive except one...While I was chatting with her, I came this close to a picture of the guy and her. Heart-tearing as it seemed, I somehow managed to hold my emotion...searching everywhere for excuses to justify her so that I could feel better. I asked myself again, has she came this close to despair? I don't know, maybe she does. I'm not exactly sure how shall I address this pain that slashes through your soul. It's likely to be a pain which one wishes to die instead of living with it. Now what? I've complained heaps and heaps for the past 13 days, have I gone far enough to make myself different from her 18 months ago? Probably not. It's such a disgrace to think that how I used to push her to survive through the hell while I might not even make it myself. I've never believed in God, but if strength is what Lord can grant me now, I'll hand myself to Him. I'll cling on...until strength arrives from Him, or weakness devours me. If there comes a day where she happened to be reading this post, I sincerely wish that guilt would not overtake her will. This is a promise I made to her, to be honest with my feelings. Being not able to tell her face to face, I chose to unleash them here. I just need a room for breathing. I'm sure it is not too selfish to have this privilege.

October 15, 2008

It's now quarter past 4 in the morning, silence is all i can hear. Sadly, my eyes refused to shut, some called this insomnia. Today wasn't a bad day at all as I actually caught up with her on MSN for bout ten minutes. Short but good enough to cheer me up for the rest of the day...until now at the very least. It would be perfect if I could hear from her before I call it a day and get to bed. Well I certainly shouldn't be too greedy. Maybe I'll whisper her Good Night here. Will I hear from her tomorrow? Shall I blow a candle to make this a true-coming wish? Haha..not funny eh? Guess so..Anyway, it has been a meaningful week of lecture. As a "learner", I made her happy simpler than I ever did as a "teacher". Ironic huh? It sure is. I'll definitely discover more as time sails on the long voyage ahead. If it ain't my imagination, she certainly did smile inside out today. To be frank, I'm still in an element of surprise that earning her happiness could be done simple as it seemed. I mean..it simply beats the way I used to employ by a thousand miles. Jesus, Mary and Joseph..what took me so long to realize this? Anyway, I'm glad that I've in fact done something contributive to her after quite some time. There's more to come, I'm certain..Is time waiting for me? Either way, I'll race it..

By the way, here's a great song that sings my thoughts out..All Out! It's the 2nd song on my playlist "Always Be My Baby - David Cook" written and originally sang by Mariah Carey

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die No~

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end No~

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

October 14, 2008

Today, I thought a lot as usual. Does "happy ever after" even exist? Is happy ending even too good to be real? Kinda lame huh? I won't disagree. Lame as it seems, I've actually got myself caught thinking bout it for half a day. I took a trip through my memories while I was working just now, recalling ideas that I've thought of throughout the past 18 months, it's just nourishing. It all began with an over-aspired plan of bringing her over to Australia for a winter. The little plan then began its very first step when I found myself a part-time job. She loves everything fairy-tale-like, snow flakes, stars etc. Yes I've brought her to see stars but never as mesmerizing as what I've seen here. I wished to make that a reality for her. I've never once taken her to snow, I wished to make her first touch of snow happen here. I've never went to the beach with her. I wished to feed her eyes with the greatest coastal line on the planet with me by her side. I've never showed her that we could live together happier than ever and I wished to show her right here in a world with just two of us. Thinking up to this point, I smiled deep inside my heart. The next moment, a heart-twisting sourness swallowed me when I came all the way back to reality. Everything might just vanish without a trace. Everything I've planned, everything I've wished, everything I've done, everything....Well maybe that's too early to be said. I don't have much pleasure being negative here but it's always better to plan for the worst and hope for the best. After all I've never told her bout all those before, it isn't too surprising that she did not realize.

I missed her heaps today. Been 3 days since we last spoken. Hmm..how is she doing? Should be more than just fine. Now that I've loosen the tension, is she really feeling better? Does she felt much happier? Did she miss me even a tiny bit? Lotsa question to ask..but I'll just assume that she's positive. I'll continue this way, hoping that she's appreciating what I'm doing here and why I'm doing it. Tomorrow will be a better day for me? Let's hope so...

October 12, 2008

Its been a week since I got the heart breaking news from her. Question after question flashed through my mind, can we make it to the end? Maybe Jo was right in scolding me, it's just so not-terry-like for me to ask this question. For the past 7 days, I tried to cherish her more than I ever did, but was told that it's only gonna drive her further from me. I was weak, puzzled and helpless. Maybe she was right too, everything is just too late. The choice has been made...Even if I were to tear down the Eiffel Tower for her now, it's not gonna bring her back but make her feels guilty in contrast. And I understand that it's not gonna be fair to the guy with her now either. The more I do for her, the more she felt the pressure from both side. I understand that someone has got to pull out from the triangle. I struggled a lot these few days, thinking about whether if I should let her go...Unfortunately, the answers are still no. Selfish as it seems, I just can't lie to myself. I would take on the whole world if it is what it takes to keep her with me. Having said that, do you know that sometimes feeling does need to obey reality without any room of option? I'm aware of that but just seemed to be reluctant to accept it yet. Yesterday, I surrendered. Listening to her crying was just heart tearing awful for me, as she cried begging me not to bring her hardship anymore. I was stoned for a moment to learn from her that I was pushing myself again only to exchange for her sufferings. I hated myself once again. Today, I told myself..."It's enough Terry, quit being stubborn already...just stay still and accept the fate." It is time for me to confront the consequences of all I did to her. It is time for her to live the life she chooses. From this day onwards, I'll keep my feelings for myself and treat her the way she wanted me to, which is mild contacts. If I failed to hold myself, this blog would be an alternative home to store my overflowed emotion. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my words. I'll still be waiting, waiting for a miracle to arrive someday. Sorry to everyone I've offended for the past 7 days, every friend that I've concerned, every part of her that I've hurt. Sorry sorry sorry......

October 4, 2008

Dooms day struck..probably the worst day I've ever had for the past 4 years. A day where you find yourself acted smart while you're silly ; A day where you discover yourself played tough while you're fragile ; A day where you were told that all you've done was finally recognized but a moment too late ; A day where you learn that the one you loved were sent away by you...

This day, she walked away from me..

How did I feel? Heart weeped, mind collapsed, soul died. So this is how she felt a year and a half ago, while I walked away from her. Understanding what she'd been through for the past 18 months, I found myself nowhere to blame anyone. However, emotion defeated rationalness. I fell..plunged hard into a cave I dug myself.

1170 days back then, I held her hands for the first time, so begins our story..

She's a normal looking girl with abnormal personality to begin with. Abnormal as she lived in a bed of roses for 18 years. Full on fussy-princess-like-daddy's-cry-baby..more or less. But she has this specialty, a built-in catalyst within her to urge people around her to protect her. Well, I'm just one of them. This is how I fell for her. However, she didn't really have a hard crush on me when we first started. I struggled my way times and times to step in her heart, did all sorts of silly but lovely things to touch her soul. Things like hiding a massive Winnie the Pooh in the car boot with a bouquet of flowers on it ; Buying bottles after bottles of mini Smarties and drew whole lots of "Sorry Doraemon" to wall up the bottles ; Waited outside her house when it's pouring for her forgiveness...Eventually, she gave me a path into her heart. She started loving me more than I anticipated. It surprises me for a moment, but we manage to get along with it despite regular arguments.

Time flied unnoticed..Unpronounced to me, we've already been together for 6 months. Here, a difficult day descended. I needed to proceed with my studies outstation. I told her, she cried, I did not..maybe I just didn't seem to appreciate her enough back in those days. When I get to KL, things changed, the world in front of me has broaden. There were a few close call while I was caught attended by the sin city and strayed fair bit from our track, fortunately I managed to pull it back. Despite that, our bonds had actually stiffen. I started to miss her, she did even more. We've came to realized that the moment of meeting each other would be valuable as chances like these didn't come often, hence appreciated times we had together more than we ever did. Now to think of it, maybe I'm just a boring guy. Flashing back time, all I could remember doing for her is buying her many many Winnie the Poohs but among those is the one she loved the most and had it next to her when she sleeps every night. I was really happy when she appreciated it so much while it was just some tiny deal compared to whatever her friends are getting from their boyfriends. At the same time, I felt sorry to her...

Another year slipped away...

We've came all the way to a close end of our story while I decided to pursue my tertiary studies here in Melbourne. It was a heart breaking moment for her. She asked for a break-up but i refused to. Naively, I believed that I could keep us together even though I'm not by her side. Arguments after arguments occurred regarding this issue. Eventually, I got her convinced that we will try our best to continue our journey. The last few days were meaningful. Meaningful while we both knew that it's gonna be the final couples of ten hours we can reach each other by hands. I never really told her seriously bout it but I almost cried when I receive the scarf she made. A scarf sewed by a pair of hands which can't even make a coffee. There is not much words to explain how touched and happy I was. Until today, I've never dare to wear it. Only couples of time inside my room and messed it up with couple of droplets from my eyes. Departure day arrived. I hugged everyone goodbye..Dad, mom, aunt, uncle, cousins and at last I came to her..Her eyes turned red. I hugged her in, she burst her tears out, I can't do anything else but hug her in even tighter. The whole world seemed to pause for that moment, just the two of us embracing each other with our souls. For a split second, I even thought of aborting the plan and go home. But of course it wasn't possible. I kissed her forehead for the last time, patted her head and went off to the boarding gate. Unimaginative sourness twisted my heart..some called it heartache. The taste does not fade, so strong that I could even feel it now when I'm recalling it.

It's been 18 months since our story began. Here in Melbourne, another hurdle stopped us from moving forward. I started to fear. Feared that I'm not gonna be able to hold my promise, feared that I'm not tough enough to defeat loneliness, feared that she'll get hurt by me once again. Here, I made the most important decision ever in my past 20 years of life. Decision where I'll make the same if I was given a second chance, decision where I made knowing that I'll be regretting it someday...I left her.

I insisted that we need no strings strapping us together. We'll walk our journey for the next few years, meet new people and let our feelings guide us through. By the time I return, we should be waited for each other because we really loved each other despite the break-up. Once again, she took another hit, a soul breaking hit. She totally lost her mind and even messed up exams that she'd been preparing for. She hated me...However, I've never gave her up, not even once. Ever since we broke up, I've been consistently calling her once every 2 to 3 days. I tried my best to be the mental support of hers. WHY !? Because I've never once taken her off my heart. The thing is that I could not let her know in order to keep my words. Sounds too noble? I guess so..but I didn't expect anyone to believe it. Further on, her opportunity came when I encouraged her to work outstation for her holiday. Bit of struggle to begin with but off she went at last. There was where her first outlawed life began. And I...could only sit still and believe in her. Believing that she can get herself back to her normal life. She had a few crushes up there, dated this guy for 2 weeks which I didn't know before they broke up. Everytime I called her, she was probably out somewhere with someone elses. I faked a smile, only managed to ask her to take care of herself before she hung up the call. I confronted myself once, how difficult was it to pretend steady while your jealousy is overwhelming? My answer is - I'm just numbed. But one day, I went berserk after a fair amount of drinks. I called her up and starting crying, started bursting out all my hardship and even scolded her that she knew nothing about my pain. "Well that's because you've never told her you dumb arse." She was stunned. All a sudden she just came face to face with an insane, irrational me. I've totally lost my mind back there. After that incident, she started to understand a bit bout my thinking. Once again, we were brought back together, not the physical bonds but the feelings.

6 months later, she enrolled herself in a local Uni. She was really anxious about leaving home again but she knew that she'd been prepared at the very least. At the state, I can just say that she's grown so much..so much that makes her a completely different girl from 3 years ago. So off she went to Uni. Communities in the University are rather happening. Within a split moment, she's gotten herself a new circle of life. A month later, she's even got someone else with her in my stead and of course without me knowing it. I've got to say "what goes around comes around" can't be more suitable to describe this. At the very same time she gets along with that guy, here in Melbourne I somehow found myself attracted to another girl. I told the girl that I'm gonna need time to think it through once again, to make sure of my own feelings. 2 weeks ago, I've finally came to a conclusion. I'm more than sure that I could not lie to myself. I'm still in love with her..despite the loneliness. At the same day, I called her up and told her about this girl. Surprisingly, her response was calm. She sounded so mature that I even found it hard to believe before I learned the true reason behind it. At that moment, I really felt like the harvest day has arrived. Where I can finally take off my mask and need not to hide my feelings to her. I was totally enlighten. Unfortunately, good stuff does not last long. Just last night, I came to learn the fact that she's dating someone now. And worse, the reason she sounded so mature was that guy. Now that's hilarious, I looked like a clown didn't I? Telling her about how much I loved her while she knew it's too late but I didn't. That's the second time I fell silent in front of her. Words just can't seem to appear in my head. Without her noticing, I cried..

Few days ago, I was in the countryside. I remembered when I used to bring her to see stars. I know it was lame but I would give anything to repeat the same thing right now if I could. Looking at the vast ocean of stars here in Australian countryside, I just can't help to think about her. Can't help to imagine the smile on her face when she was embraced in my arms under this mesmerizing view. Can't help to miss her from the bottom of my heart..Today, everything changes. I might never be able to bring her here anymore..

I'm not gonna stop her from going after her happiness, but this is not gonna be the end of it. I know I have to fix what i messed and make myself her happiness once again. I promised myself that I'll stand up again in no time and be a better me, and I'll keep my words. I learned, I really did. Back then, I oversaw too many things about her, I've never really listen to her close enough, the words she spelled as well as the feeling she delivered. Now I'm gonna chase after every single message I missed, even every words unspoken..to understand her better than I ever did. I don't know how far can I go with only this amount of determination but I won't hold back. I can't control whoever stays by her, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep us together inside her.