October 17, 2008

"Emotions" - Lately, I've been trying to convince myself to take control of them. Sure it's a tough thing. This friend of mine came to me last night. She began to complain bout how much hardship she had from an uncertain yet endless wait for a guy she like. Identical case where the guy is few thousand miles away from her. She said she can't handle a guy who doesn't even looked like he care bout her. She gave up. At this very moment, I saw it. I saw a shadow of my ex in her. I saw what led her to despair and brought her right here. The entire scenario was reconstructed right before my eyes. I witness her pain up close from watching this friend of mine. I came to think that I've got no rights to complain bout my hardship. However, something flashed through my thought. I asked myself, am I going through exactly the same of which she had gone through? I guess not precisely. These few days, I caught up with her couple of times on MSN. Well everything seemed to be positive except one...While I was chatting with her, I came this close to a picture of the guy and her. Heart-tearing as it seemed, I somehow managed to hold my emotion...searching everywhere for excuses to justify her so that I could feel better. I asked myself again, has she came this close to despair? I don't know, maybe she does. I'm not exactly sure how shall I address this pain that slashes through your soul. It's likely to be a pain which one wishes to die instead of living with it. Now what? I've complained heaps and heaps for the past 13 days, have I gone far enough to make myself different from her 18 months ago? Probably not. It's such a disgrace to think that how I used to push her to survive through the hell while I might not even make it myself. I've never believed in God, but if strength is what Lord can grant me now, I'll hand myself to Him. I'll cling on...until strength arrives from Him, or weakness devours me. If there comes a day where she happened to be reading this post, I sincerely wish that guilt would not overtake her will. This is a promise I made to her, to be honest with my feelings. Being not able to tell her face to face, I chose to unleash them here. I just need a room for breathing. I'm sure it is not too selfish to have this privilege.