October 12, 2008

Its been a week since I got the heart breaking news from her. Question after question flashed through my mind, can we make it to the end? Maybe Jo was right in scolding me, it's just so not-terry-like for me to ask this question. For the past 7 days, I tried to cherish her more than I ever did, but was told that it's only gonna drive her further from me. I was weak, puzzled and helpless. Maybe she was right too, everything is just too late. The choice has been made...Even if I were to tear down the Eiffel Tower for her now, it's not gonna bring her back but make her feels guilty in contrast. And I understand that it's not gonna be fair to the guy with her now either. The more I do for her, the more she felt the pressure from both side. I understand that someone has got to pull out from the triangle. I struggled a lot these few days, thinking about whether if I should let her go...Unfortunately, the answers are still no. Selfish as it seems, I just can't lie to myself. I would take on the whole world if it is what it takes to keep her with me. Having said that, do you know that sometimes feeling does need to obey reality without any room of option? I'm aware of that but just seemed to be reluctant to accept it yet. Yesterday, I surrendered. Listening to her crying was just heart tearing awful for me, as she cried begging me not to bring her hardship anymore. I was stoned for a moment to learn from her that I was pushing myself again only to exchange for her sufferings. I hated myself once again. Today, I told myself..."It's enough Terry, quit being stubborn already...just stay still and accept the fate." It is time for me to confront the consequences of all I did to her. It is time for her to live the life she chooses. From this day onwards, I'll keep my feelings for myself and treat her the way she wanted me to, which is mild contacts. If I failed to hold myself, this blog would be an alternative home to store my overflowed emotion. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my words. I'll still be waiting, waiting for a miracle to arrive someday. Sorry to everyone I've offended for the past 7 days, every friend that I've concerned, every part of her that I've hurt. Sorry sorry sorry......