October 4, 2008

Dooms day struck..probably the worst day I've ever had for the past 4 years. A day where you find yourself acted smart while you're silly ; A day where you discover yourself played tough while you're fragile ; A day where you were told that all you've done was finally recognized but a moment too late ; A day where you learn that the one you loved were sent away by you...

This day, she walked away from me..

How did I feel? Heart weeped, mind collapsed, soul died. So this is how she felt a year and a half ago, while I walked away from her. Understanding what she'd been through for the past 18 months, I found myself nowhere to blame anyone. However, emotion defeated rationalness. I fell..plunged hard into a cave I dug myself.

1170 days back then, I held her hands for the first time, so begins our story..

She's a normal looking girl with abnormal personality to begin with. Abnormal as she lived in a bed of roses for 18 years. Full on fussy-princess-like-daddy's-cry-baby..more or less. But she has this specialty, a built-in catalyst within her to urge people around her to protect her. Well, I'm just one of them. This is how I fell for her. However, she didn't really have a hard crush on me when we first started. I struggled my way times and times to step in her heart, did all sorts of silly but lovely things to touch her soul. Things like hiding a massive Winnie the Pooh in the car boot with a bouquet of flowers on it ; Buying bottles after bottles of mini Smarties and drew whole lots of "Sorry Doraemon" to wall up the bottles ; Waited outside her house when it's pouring for her forgiveness...Eventually, she gave me a path into her heart. She started loving me more than I anticipated. It surprises me for a moment, but we manage to get along with it despite regular arguments.

Time flied unnoticed..Unpronounced to me, we've already been together for 6 months. Here, a difficult day descended. I needed to proceed with my studies outstation. I told her, she cried, I did not..maybe I just didn't seem to appreciate her enough back in those days. When I get to KL, things changed, the world in front of me has broaden. There were a few close call while I was caught attended by the sin city and strayed fair bit from our track, fortunately I managed to pull it back. Despite that, our bonds had actually stiffen. I started to miss her, she did even more. We've came to realized that the moment of meeting each other would be valuable as chances like these didn't come often, hence appreciated times we had together more than we ever did. Now to think of it, maybe I'm just a boring guy. Flashing back time, all I could remember doing for her is buying her many many Winnie the Poohs but among those is the one she loved the most and had it next to her when she sleeps every night. I was really happy when she appreciated it so much while it was just some tiny deal compared to whatever her friends are getting from their boyfriends. At the same time, I felt sorry to her...

Another year slipped away...

We've came all the way to a close end of our story while I decided to pursue my tertiary studies here in Melbourne. It was a heart breaking moment for her. She asked for a break-up but i refused to. Naively, I believed that I could keep us together even though I'm not by her side. Arguments after arguments occurred regarding this issue. Eventually, I got her convinced that we will try our best to continue our journey. The last few days were meaningful. Meaningful while we both knew that it's gonna be the final couples of ten hours we can reach each other by hands. I never really told her seriously bout it but I almost cried when I receive the scarf she made. A scarf sewed by a pair of hands which can't even make a coffee. There is not much words to explain how touched and happy I was. Until today, I've never dare to wear it. Only couples of time inside my room and messed it up with couple of droplets from my eyes. Departure day arrived. I hugged everyone goodbye..Dad, mom, aunt, uncle, cousins and at last I came to her..Her eyes turned red. I hugged her in, she burst her tears out, I can't do anything else but hug her in even tighter. The whole world seemed to pause for that moment, just the two of us embracing each other with our souls. For a split second, I even thought of aborting the plan and go home. But of course it wasn't possible. I kissed her forehead for the last time, patted her head and went off to the boarding gate. Unimaginative sourness twisted my heart..some called it heartache. The taste does not fade, so strong that I could even feel it now when I'm recalling it.

It's been 18 months since our story began. Here in Melbourne, another hurdle stopped us from moving forward. I started to fear. Feared that I'm not gonna be able to hold my promise, feared that I'm not tough enough to defeat loneliness, feared that she'll get hurt by me once again. Here, I made the most important decision ever in my past 20 years of life. Decision where I'll make the same if I was given a second chance, decision where I made knowing that I'll be regretting it someday...I left her.

I insisted that we need no strings strapping us together. We'll walk our journey for the next few years, meet new people and let our feelings guide us through. By the time I return, we should be waited for each other because we really loved each other despite the break-up. Once again, she took another hit, a soul breaking hit. She totally lost her mind and even messed up exams that she'd been preparing for. She hated me...However, I've never gave her up, not even once. Ever since we broke up, I've been consistently calling her once every 2 to 3 days. I tried my best to be the mental support of hers. WHY !? Because I've never once taken her off my heart. The thing is that I could not let her know in order to keep my words. Sounds too noble? I guess so..but I didn't expect anyone to believe it. Further on, her opportunity came when I encouraged her to work outstation for her holiday. Bit of struggle to begin with but off she went at last. There was where her first outlawed life began. And I...could only sit still and believe in her. Believing that she can get herself back to her normal life. She had a few crushes up there, dated this guy for 2 weeks which I didn't know before they broke up. Everytime I called her, she was probably out somewhere with someone elses. I faked a smile, only managed to ask her to take care of herself before she hung up the call. I confronted myself once, how difficult was it to pretend steady while your jealousy is overwhelming? My answer is - I'm just numbed. But one day, I went berserk after a fair amount of drinks. I called her up and starting crying, started bursting out all my hardship and even scolded her that she knew nothing about my pain. "Well that's because you've never told her you dumb arse." She was stunned. All a sudden she just came face to face with an insane, irrational me. I've totally lost my mind back there. After that incident, she started to understand a bit bout my thinking. Once again, we were brought back together, not the physical bonds but the feelings.

6 months later, she enrolled herself in a local Uni. She was really anxious about leaving home again but she knew that she'd been prepared at the very least. At the state, I can just say that she's grown so much..so much that makes her a completely different girl from 3 years ago. So off she went to Uni. Communities in the University are rather happening. Within a split moment, she's gotten herself a new circle of life. A month later, she's even got someone else with her in my stead and of course without me knowing it. I've got to say "what goes around comes around" can't be more suitable to describe this. At the very same time she gets along with that guy, here in Melbourne I somehow found myself attracted to another girl. I told the girl that I'm gonna need time to think it through once again, to make sure of my own feelings. 2 weeks ago, I've finally came to a conclusion. I'm more than sure that I could not lie to myself. I'm still in love with her..despite the loneliness. At the same day, I called her up and told her about this girl. Surprisingly, her response was calm. She sounded so mature that I even found it hard to believe before I learned the true reason behind it. At that moment, I really felt like the harvest day has arrived. Where I can finally take off my mask and need not to hide my feelings to her. I was totally enlighten. Unfortunately, good stuff does not last long. Just last night, I came to learn the fact that she's dating someone now. And worse, the reason she sounded so mature was that guy. Now that's hilarious, I looked like a clown didn't I? Telling her about how much I loved her while she knew it's too late but I didn't. That's the second time I fell silent in front of her. Words just can't seem to appear in my head. Without her noticing, I cried..

Few days ago, I was in the countryside. I remembered when I used to bring her to see stars. I know it was lame but I would give anything to repeat the same thing right now if I could. Looking at the vast ocean of stars here in Australian countryside, I just can't help to think about her. Can't help to imagine the smile on her face when she was embraced in my arms under this mesmerizing view. Can't help to miss her from the bottom of my heart..Today, everything changes. I might never be able to bring her here anymore..

I'm not gonna stop her from going after her happiness, but this is not gonna be the end of it. I know I have to fix what i messed and make myself her happiness once again. I promised myself that I'll stand up again in no time and be a better me, and I'll keep my words. I learned, I really did. Back then, I oversaw too many things about her, I've never really listen to her close enough, the words she spelled as well as the feeling she delivered. Now I'm gonna chase after every single message I missed, even every words unspoken..to understand her better than I ever did. I don't know how far can I go with only this amount of determination but I won't hold back. I can't control whoever stays by her, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep us together inside her.